Advice Column: Covid Killed My Social Life And I Feel Like I’ll Be Alone Forever
Dear Eve 6 Guy,
I was with my previous partner for seven years, though the relationship was not always clearly defined as “boyfriend/girlfriend.”
About a year ago, we decided to part ways because we wanted different things (me: commitment, a family; him: not that). The breakup was a huge bummer, but we both agreed it was for the best, and that we could still be a part of each others’ lives, just not romantically.
Shortly thereafter, I started dating someone who was very much not OK with me being in touch with my ex whatsoever. He insisted that I break off all contact immediately and block my ex on social media. That didn’t sit right with me — my ex hadn’t done anything wrong. If anything, he’s always been really supportive and wanted me to be happy, even if that meant us not being together. I told my new boyfriend this, but he kept insisting and insisting.
Instead of advocating for my boundaries, I’m ashamed to say I caved. Worse yet, I lied to my boyfriend and maintained contact with my ex. Nothing sexy or inappropriate, just sending the occasional email to say hi or grabbing a coffee from time to time.
I know it was cowardly and wrong to do this, but I was so hopeful about the new relationship and didn’t want to jeopardize anything. Though I also didn’t want to be forced to cut someone out of my life if I didn’t want to. It also didn’t seem fair given that my boyfriend has maintained friendships with a number of exes and former hookups.
My boyfriend eventually found out that I was in touch with my ex, after taking my phone in the middle of the night and going through it. I was very much not OK with him looking through my phone like that, but I let it go because I was in the wrong for having lied to him.
Again, he insisted that I cut my ex out of my life — and again, I argued back only to eventually cave. A few weeks later, when my ex reached out to say hi, I responded and hid it. And again, my boyfriend found out by going through my personal things without my permission. This has repeated a few times.
My boyfriend feels that lying to him about being in contact with my ex is cheating — worse, he says, than if I’d actually gone and slept with my ex. I don’t necessarily agree. I mean, it’s definitely not great, but plenty of people are amiable with their exes. Nothing was going on between us. Plus, if my boyfriend was willing to let me make my own decisions about the situation, I’d be more comfortable talking openly to him about it.
At this point, my boyfriend routinely goes through my phone, my email, and even my journal, even though I tell him I’m really uncomfortable with it. He tracks my location on my phone. He shows up to my house unannounced, to make sure I’m there. He says there needs to be accountability, and that I should want to prove to him that I’m not doing anything wrong.
He also keeps insisting that in order for him to trust me again, I need to move in with him ASAP. He’s not a bad guy; he just says the whole situation is eating him up, and he doesn’t know what else to do about it.
I know I’m in the wrong, and I do want to build trust, and I get where he’s coming from, I guess. I’m certainly willing to make some concessions, but this all makes me really uncomfortable. Independence is important to me; I don’t think your partner necessarily needs to be involved in your life at every level. I don’t want to lose agency in my life.
Am I being uncooperative? Am I trying to have my cake and eat it too? Am I making excuses for myself or for him?
—A Liar But Not a Cheat
Dear Eve 6 Guy, I was with my previous partner for seven years, though the relationship was not always clearly defined as “boyfriend/girlfriend.” About a year ago, we decided to part ways because we wanted different things (me: commitment, a family; him: not that). The breakup was a huge bummer,…
