32 Things Elon Musk Will (Probably) Do As Soon As He Takes Over Twitter
• Immediately reinstates Trump’s account. At first, Trump says he doesn’t want to be on Twitter, but ultimately can’t resist the attention he will get from tweeting, “I’M BACK…”
• Musk renames spambots “NPCs,” takes no further action, announces there are no longer spambots on Twitter
• Makes a joke that he will provide weed for every Twitter user on 4/20 — the CEO of a sketchy cannabis company shames him into “really doing it,” but the initiative gets shut down by the Feds before anyone receives their supply
• Personally hires a 30-person team to source and make “dank memes” for his personal Twitter account, then fires them a week later when they don’t get as much engagement as his insult tweets
• Announces that by 2024, all content moderation will be done by an AI trained to be ideologically neutral, with no human intervention
• Then announces that an AI will succeed him as CEO of Twitter by 2027 or whenever the AI surpasses his own intelligence. Vows that Twitter’s AI CEO will be smarter than Google’s AI CEO.
• Moves all Tesla customer service to Twitter and fires teams responsible for any problems exposed publicly from the public support threads
• Kanye West is appointed chief creative advisor to make the whole platform “doper”
• Tesla starts supporting “tweeting while driving mode” with hands-free driving — the ensuing traffic fatalities are tragic but statistically less frequent than the accident rate of other car manufacturers
• Quote RTs people insulting him with the words “free speech” to prove he really values free speech and undermine people complaining about harassment because he gets harassed more than anyone. A cottage industry will emerge of people doing dumb, outrageous tweets critiquing Musk who are trying to get the “Elon bump.”
• The product team is directed to make “sexier profiles” for users who follow exactly 69 accounts
• Reinstates Marjorie Taylor Greene, but re-bans her two days later when she tweets the location of Musk’s new house
• Immediately reinstates Trump’s account. At first, Trump says he doesn’t want to be on Twitter, but ultimately can’t resist the attention he will get from tweeting, “I’M BACK…” • Musk renames spambots “NPCs,” takes no further action, announces there are no longer spambots on Twitter • Makes a joke that…
